On vampires—and the dreams we dream through them.

Excitement level—off the charts. Why? Because I’ll be joining a game of Vampire: the Masquerade (ie VtM) soon! Here’s a game I’ve been longing to play since I was maybe… 13? I can remember babbling on and on about the different vampire clans in my classmate’s father’s car, on the way to the Language Centre in Bishan. Those were the days of Geocities and message boards (look these up, kids), and the VtM games I found were online. But I could never play because invariably, another player would quickly figure out that I was waaaaay underage for the subject matter of the game (it wasn’t that hard to see through my online persona—I’d say something childish, and someone would ask, how old are you again?, and I would struggle mightily with my conscience, and eventually not lie about my age).

But now—VtM character created, loaded, and ready to roll. Have I mentioned how excited I am?

And because I’m so excited, I’ve vampires on the brain at the moment. I’ve always been intrigued, enamoured, perhaps even in love with, the figure of the vampire, in all its flavours. The original bestial Dracula (as in, Bram Stoker’s), with his hairy palms and complete ruthlessness? Yup, the original king. I bow down. The languid (and very, very homoerotically charged) Carmilla? Yes, my queen. I worship. Anne Rice’s soulful, beautiful, eternally suffering vampires? YES PLEASE. Chelsea Quinn Yarbro’s intricately researched quasi-historical Saint Germain? Words fail me; I swoon. The uber cool, tough-talking vampires in the Blade movies? What’s not to love?

Why vampires, though? Why not werewolves? Or zombies? I mean, if you think about it, vampires are souped up, sexier versions of zombies.

And that’s precisely why, I think.

Vampires represent strength, endurance, invulnerability—both physical and mental. The human body is so unbearably, laughably fragile. We know, no matter how hard we tend to it, work hard on its upkeep, that it frays and bends and breaks. We get sick. We get hurt. The human body is a mess. And if you think of literary and cinematic portrayals of the vampire, a common thread which runs through all of them is how strong and agile and just, physically perfect they are. They are presented as predators—even if some of them hate the idea—and I’d so, so much rather be a predator than prey.

Yes, all these portrayals of the vampire also come with some sort of weakness—some more serious than others. But if you really examine each one—these weaknesses apply to real-life humans anyway. Vampires burn in the sun. Uhhh, in a way, so do I. And I get heat stroke, to boot. Vampires can be killed by staking. Uh, ever tried staking a human? Especially through the heart? Vampires are weakened by garlic and silver! Funnily enough, I know people who are actually allergic to both items too. Vampires cannot function in the day time! Well, neither can I! In short, dying and becoming a vampire would not present any decrease in physical threat. Quite the opposite.

There’s a beautiful scene in Mick Farren’s Darklost where the vampires Elaine Dance and Segal are riding his motorcycle into Beverly Hills for Elaine’s first feeding. She, her senses heightened, can not only see and hear and feel so much more than she ever could as a mere human—but can sense their auras too. But it’s really not these heightened senses which captured my imagination. It was more that sense of invulnerability which came through. Imagine being able to go anywhere you want, ride a motorcycle at stupidly fast speeds down the road at night, and have the freedom and perfect confidence of knowing that you can handle anything the night can throw at you. Because you’re not prey anymore. You’re the predator.

But vampires outlive their loved ones! You’ll have to watch everyone you love age and die! I’ve lost count of the number of people who turn to this argument whenever I tell them I would gladly, no questions asked, turn vampire. But, people… we all have to watch our loved ones age and die anyway. Unless you’re somehow planning to go before anyone else in your life? And even then, how do you turn off ageing? At least vampires get to stay immortal despite watching their loved ones die.

Which is the other, and possibly more beautiful/frightening way in which vampires are so attractive: they represent the strength of the mind and spirit. They go through the grief and loss and grotesqueness of death over and over—their own, their loved ones’ deaths, the many deaths they might cause—and they somehow keep going. Is this selfish? Yes. But so, so frighteningly vital at the same time. And that’s precisely why the vampire rides that thin line between the repulsive and the entrancing.

Apart from this frightening, unsettling strength of mind and body, there are the advantages which come with having time. It’s the same argument made by those who admire elves in fantasy—they have time on their side, time which can be devoted to learning. Imagine what you could do, if instead of a regular human lifespan, you knew you had thousands of years to perfect your art, to learn new skills, to enjoy your hobbies without fearing you were compromising your productivity. Imagine the new things you’d see and hear and marvel at: the new inventions, the new fashions, the new slang, the new art forms—all of it. So much human ingenuity and craziness and genius.

Sometimes when I think about it, I genuinely get upset that I won’t be around to experience all these when I’m a pile of ash in a little wall somewhere.

Is this greed? I think so. But is greed for life, and new experiences, so wrong?

Which is why, I think, the vampire classically drinks blood. For, as countless movies and books have told us, the blood is the life. The vampire takes blood not just because they’re physically dead, but because they’ve made a choice to live. They make that choice over and over, each time they feed—even if it’s at the expense of someone else. The entire set up, oddly enough, is a reminder of the will to live, and the price enacted by such a choice.

It's odd, isn’t it? We associate vampires, I think, with death, graves, killing. But really, at least to me, they’ve always stood for life, vitality, sheer will. From exigency and a position of victimhood (since so many of these portrayals include the human being turned into a vampire against their will), they—literally—rise from the ashes and make the choice, over and over, to survive. Are they wounded by their experiences? Yes. Are they selfish and end up hurting others? Sometimes, depending on how they choose to negotiate their new way of “living.” But they’re survivors. They’re strong.

I want to be that. I’m working hard to be that.

Of course, it really doesn’t hurt that vampires started to be presented as these supernaturally attractive beings from the late nineteenth century onwards. So they not only get to experience superhuman senses and strength, and physical invulnerability, but look good the entire time. Or at least, look cool. Who wouldn’t want that?

There’s a clan in the VtM game called the Nosferatu who are physically warped when they turn into vampires. They’re so ugly they actually get a penalisation to their stats, i.e. the game acknowledges in its mechanics how hideous these vampires look. At one point, I straight up told the people around me I would not ever consider playing as a Nosferatu. I said, this game is wish fulfilment of a kind, and I want to look amazing.

Which is shallow, I acknowledge. But this shift of the vampire from ugly creature to sexy siren is yet another reminder that the figure of the vampire is no longer a horrifying one; it’s a vessel for our collective dreams now. Our dreams of invulnerability, of being the cool predator, of having the strength to choose life no matter what happens to us and those around us. To be strong, even if it means being selfish. To survive, no matter what happens. And to look damn good while doing so.

Vampires are truly dream figures. Wish totems, even. It feels like I’ve come full circle. I wanted so much to play VtM as a kid, and never got to do that. I used to read vampire fiction all the time; I would actively hunt down new novels featuring vampires. Then I stopped doing that. Now I get to play VtM. And I’m looking for more vampire fiction to read. I’ve vampires on the brain again. It’s awfully exciting. It’s a dream come true.

Now let’s hope my character survives!

Picture credit: Photo by Niranjan _ Photographs on Unsplash